HOW TO BOOK A CRUISE AND NOT KNOW IT!

You either love it or hate it, there's no in between.

I remember my first cruise. It wasn't my idea, in fact I was never going on one of those big boats! (my humble apologies to all nautical people for calling them boats, but in my defence I was a landlubber back then) What the hell was I going to do in the middle of the ocean? After all cruising was only for honeymooners or old people wasn't it? I was way past one and hadn't reached the other yet. But now I have to stand up in a group and say "My name is Shay and I'm a cruisaholic."

But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, lets back up a couple of years, well a decade at least! I was on a road trip with my girlfriend, on our way back from Adelaide in South Australia travelling home to Bendigo in Victoria, roughly a 650k trip. Anyone who has travelled that road knows how long and hot the Mallee Highway can be, the road seems endless! Well we were somewhere between Tailem Bend and Pinnaroo when my girlfriend started talking about cruising, her and her husband had cruised aboard the old Fairstar. I listened for a bit, but to be honest I sort of zoned out. You know how it is? Whenever there is an expectant silence you say "Uh huh" or "Really?", well it seemed to work for the next 100k or so, she talked nothing but cruisespeak. She was happy and I was bored out of my mind.

But it got worse! She then started reading ads out of the newspaper for upcoming cruises, bloody hell I was almost at screaming stage! Who was this person who had replaced my friend? Maybe some alien being had invaded her body at the last fuel stop. Well now I totally tuned out. Who wanted to listen to someone talking about boats (apologies again) bobbing around the ocean like used wine corks in a dish of water?

That is until her voice finally penetrated my cotton wool brain with the words "All booked, we're going!" Err...what? Going where? When? I nearly flipped, she had booked a cruise for the following June for the 4 of us! What the hell? I was going to be stuck on a boat (apologies again) for 10 day's bored out of my skull! How wrong was I? But it was 5 months of dread mixed with anticipation before I finally found out the truth about cruising.

-Next "Fourteen pairs of shoes plus one".