THEY HAVEN'T EATEN ANYONE FOR 60 YEARS!

Cruise ports! If you think it's fun on the ship just imagine how thrilling it is to step ashore in a foreign land for the first time. 

Walking down the gangplank onto the wharf at Luganville (Santo) and seeing the crowds of locals waiting to ply us with souvenirs or take tours was exciting. The sounds, the smells, the excited chatter of the locals, the colourful clothing, children with huge eyes and big white grins, coconuts in piles too high to peer over, fresh caught crabs all trussed up ready to cook and people, so many people everywhere! There were rows and rows of buses, all ready to take those who had booked shore tours and what seemed like hundreds of other vehicles of all shapes and sizes, the local taxis. 

Well we hadn't booked a tour, we had decided to wing it. First we headed to the markets that were lined up on the other side of the vehicles, stretching right up to the main road. There was all manner of items for sale. Brightly coloured sarongs, beads of all shape, colour and size, a man with a green lizard that you could hold for $5 and take a photo with, grass skirts and coconut bras, wooden spears and long knives. It was different and it was exciting!

Before I had a chance to spend some of the $5 notes I had bought ashore to trade for souvenirs my girlfriend dragged us over to a "taxi" and driver she had engaged for a private tour. Sounds grand doesn't it, a "private tour". For $50 for the 5 of us, she had also roped in another wide eyed-hopeful, we got a driver and his offsider, a 10yo well used and battered double cab ute for the day and a tour to the interior of the Island of Espíritu Santo. We had a choice of travelling inside the ute or in the tub tray, naturally being the free spirit that I am I was first in the back, along with my girlfriends hubby and our wide-eyed hopeful. That left the driver and his offsider, my hubby and my bestie in the cab.  We each found a comfortable perch on spare tyres, tool boxes and tarpaulins laying around the tub tray. The sun was shining and excitement beckoned! 

The first stop was just down the road, we needed to convert some of that $50 into fuel to get us out of town, but we also found some supplies at the attached shop for our adventure. Including some sort of minced meat served on a crusty roll that only Laurie, my BFF's hubby, and I were game enough to try. Hey we didn't die and it was tasty, everyone else settled for the crusty roll with a piece of cheese and a bottle of water. 

Many other passengers from the ship had also engaged smiling locals and their double cab "taxis" for a tour. Just like them we were too excited to sit quietly in the back, so we stood up grasping the roll bar over the cab with one hand and waved madly at anything that moved as we barrelled down the road. Million Dollar Point here we come!

All of the main tourist attractions and beaches are privately owned on Santo, in fact on most of the islands, you will find someone beside the road at the entrance who will charge each person, except guides, to enter, usually $5/head. Tip, always carry plenty of $5 notes they do not have change.

Million Dollar Point is a crushed coral beach. It got its name after WW2 when the Americans bulldozed over a million dollars worth of equipment into the bay, everything from cranes to trucks! Now the wreckage has formed a home for marine life and made a brilliant snorkelling and diving paradise. Tip, wear swim/reef shoes, I am still picking the coral and shell out of my poor heels!

Back in our trusty vehicle we headed off to visit a blue hole. Wow, not at all what I expected. Once again a private property with a $5 entrance fee, well worth the cost. Jackies family, who own the land, treated us like royalty. It was a tropical paradise. The blue hole, which is basically a sink hole that can be over 100m in depth, was spectacular! The water was an amazing electric blue in colour and so clear you felt like you were looking straight down into the centre of the earth! We swam and feasted on the tropical fruit provided by the owners. It was heaven.

Jackies Blue Hole

Loaded up again we headed to a Custom Village. The welcome we received here was truly wonderful. The locals, dressed in colourful traditional costume, danced and sang and proudly showed us around their village. These people have so little but are so happy, they take enormous pleasure in their day to day activities, we have much to learn about appreciating what we have from the Ni-Vanuartu  people. I felt honoured to be called friend by their chief.

We were privileged to be invited into the house of the chief and to be shown the woven burial cloth that would, in time, be his. We also had a chance to observe sand pictures, the art of creating pictures using a clear bit of ground and handfuls of sand. Art that lasts only a moment to the eye but forever in the heart. Before we left we got the opportunity to dance with the tribe. I must admit not my best performance, even the local ladies were having a bit of a giggle at my moves.

Off again, this time heading down a dusty, pot holed road far into the wilds. The village we visited next was nothing like the Custom Village. The former was all light and smiles, this one was the complete opposite. The road that ran through the middle of the scattering of lonely huts was little more than a goat track. The children were very shy, peering from around corners or behind their mothers. All of the tribe were in primative dress, virtually a few leaves and a vine tied around their waist. They were a very small people, not Pygmy but not far off. We noticed that all the villagers bar two were on one side of the track that ran through the village. On the other side, by a large long house style of hut that was next to a huge tree, were an elderly lady and a younger man. We were to find that they were the wife of the recently departed Chief and his son, the new Chief.

Our guides asked us to wait while they made arrangements with the Chief for our visit. While we were waiting a few of the villagers ventured over, they couldn't speak any English but were quite friendly. They seemed to be fascinated by my blond hair and also by our light skin tone. One of the ladies kept rubbing my arm, as if trying to rub the colour off, another was running her fingers through my hair. We were later told by our guides that very few, if any of them, had ever seen white people before!

The Chief and his mother were amazing, with our guides as interpreters, he took us around his side of the village, none of the other members of the tribe were allowed to cross the track. We learnt about the plants used for both food and medicine, the meaning of the huge tree that was where the tribe would meet when called and finally we visited the long house beside the tree. 

Our guides told us that this hut was their "hospital" and that as well as being Chief the leader of this tribe was also the Medicine Man, assisted by his mother who had formally assisted the previous Chief and Medicine Man, her husband. There were a couple of rough beds inside and many vessels made of stone and coconut shell that held various herbs, roots and strange smelling liquids. The hut was fairly dark and cool inside with a high, steep ceiling. I looked up into the roof of the hut and noticed what looked like a long thick branch extending from one side of the hut to the other fairly high up. The branch had some sort of artefacts hanging from it, all the way along. I asked our guide what they were, after conversing with the Chief we got the answer, they were human jaw bones, dozens of them!

After exiting the "hospital" we offered the Chief the usual $5 each, plus a handsome tip, we wanted to get out of there with our jaw bones intact. He had no idea what money was. We had no gifts to give so ,after a three way conference, we made arrangements for our guides to bring some things back to the village that they could use the next day. 

Photo credit: AJ Simpson

Time to head back down that dusty road to the dock. We were all a bit tired by now, it had been a long day, plus our visit to the last village had been a bit thought provoking. 

Taxis on the islands are a bit different to anywhere else, if you are on the side of the road you can wave down any vehicle and get a lift for around $2. So basically every vehicle is a taxi or bus. So even when you have booked the vehicle for a private tour they will stop for passengers along the way, this is how we got to meet a Presbyterian Missionary somewhere out in the back blocks of the island. 

After paying the usual fare he jumped in the back with the cool crowd. We exchanged names and then he asked us what we were doing way out there. We explained that we had booked the owners of the vehicle to take us out to see the real people of Vanuatu. He looked at us in shock and said, "You know they eat people?" I laughed and said, "They haven't eaten anyone in 60 years!" He shook his head and replied, "They just haven't been caught."

Next: They rolled us down the gang plank!

HOW PATSY & EDDY BOUGHT A RACEHORSE

We're onboard! Time to party, explore, swim, eat...well not quite yet. First we have to do the dreaded drill! Not enjoyable but one of those necessary evils that if you skip could get you ejected off the ship, or worst case scenario is that you have no idea what to do in a real emergency. 

For a cruise newbie it's really quite confusing, you have just boarded this huge ship and have no idea what the terms aft, port or starboard refer to and now with the other couple of thousand people onboard you have to find your muster station. Our wonderful cabin steward pointed us in the right direction and a sweet girl, who kindly pointed out that we don't put our life vests on (with the straps blithely tripping up everyone behind) until we are told to do so, guided us up a stairwell to our station. So we learnt how to safely tie these big orange blocks of foam around our bodies, little did I know that it was actually a quick peek at what we were going to look like after grazing the buffet for ten days! We learnt what to do and where to meet in case of an emergency. Now with all the official bits and pieces done and dusted we were off to explore this floating paradise.

Photo credit: Cruisecritic

Sail away! What can I say? This is my type of party. But to make it even more special we were fortunate enough to experience our very first sail away on the deck of a cruise ship in Sydney Harbour! Is there a more beautiful harbour in the world? As well as its natural beauty there are National icons such as the Harbour Bridge, the Opera House and the laughing face of Luna Park, an unforgettable backdrop to the start of our nautical adventure. As we sailed under the Harbour Bridge ferries and small sailing boats were dancing in our wake, up ahead tugboats fired their water cannons in a watery salute across our bow. We stood at the rails taking it all in, cocktails in hand, waving to the passengers in the small boats following us to the heads at the entrance to the harbour. The band was playing on the lido deck, people were in the pool or dancing beside it, there were jugglers and acrobats, waiters with trays of colourful drinks and happy laughing faces everywhere! Yes this was sailaway!

That night we met Carrie, our head waiter, he had the voice of an angel and the skill of a magician. We were at a table of 10 in the Burgandy Dining Room, back in the days of traditional dining. After a mouthwatering feast and an unforgettable rendition of the BeeGees classic Words (with no backing) by Carrie, we hit the theatre for the welcome aboard live show. A stroll around the deck completed a perfect evening. 

Our first day at sea started off with a graze through the buffet. So much to choose from and so little time! Our Pacific Daily, your bible at sea, gave us all the information we needed to choose what pastimes we would indulge in. There was one intriguing item listed - Horse Racing at sea, with betting.  Hmmmmm sounded interesting, though not a big gambler I enjoyed the odd flutter on the ponies, plus I was curious about how they were going to hold a horse race at sea, I mean it's a big ship but...

We dragged the other halves off to the show lounge to check out just what this horse racing gig was all about. With cocktails in hand, I think mine was green this time, we learnt along with about 800 other hopefuls, that we could form a syndicate and try our luck at auction to purchase one of six racehorses that would run in the Pacific Cup on our last sea day of the cruise. The owners of the winning horse would take home the total of all monies paid for the six horses at auction! 

The horses were led out one by one onto the stage, fine looking beasts each and every one. Our Cruise Director Dan Stines, or Dan the Man as he came to be known, described each animal in detail. The excitement was building, we all wanted a piece of horseflesh to take home, we all wanted to stake a claim to one of the owners boxes on race day, together with the perks that came with it. Trackside seating for twenty along with free flowing champagne and nibbles for our guests. The hammer went down and the bidding frenzy started! The first two went at crazy prices, over $500 each! But then the bidding settled down and the next two sold for $350 and $380 respectively. We had our eye on the next horse, #5, a cute little grey mare with a black slash on her forehead, the first bids were slow to come, but the pace picked up and soon the price was over $400, a little rich for our blood so we had to let her go.  Our final chance came with a little chestnut filly, long of leg but a bit skittish. If we could sign her up with the right trainer we thought she could go the distance. It must have been our day, or maybe the punters had run out of money, either way we picked her up for a steal at $240! AbFab, short for Absolutely Fabulous, was ours! Patsy and Eddy owned a racehorse! 

Photo credit: J Davey

Next: They haven't eaten anyone for 60 years! 

4 BIG FISH IN A SARDINE CAN

Wow, wow and wow again! For a cruise newbie boarding a cruise ship for the first time is a jaw dropping experience. No matter what you have been told or read nothing can prepare you for that first time. The noise, the people, the excitement, the total organised chaos of a cruise terminal. Wether it's one of the mega ships that cater for 4,000 plus passengers or the more intimate luxury liners with less than 800, the experience can be overwhelming. All that I really knew prior to boarding was that we needed to drop off our bags at point A and line up at point B. 

So with the two mere males in tow, who were still trying to get their heads around the fact that they were about to embark on a cruise, we lined up with the other 1,500 odd people who were headed to the gangway. Well at least I thought it was the gangway on the other side of that door! 

First we had to collect a couple of door pass card thingy's and sort out our onboard account before having our carry on bags x-rayed, it's amazing what people try to smuggle onboard I saw all the usual no no's and even an ant farm complete with live ants! Then it's time to  be scrutinised by immigration, oh and while I think of it, don't smile at or make jokes with immigration, these people are from a different planet! Smiling gets you a frown, but a joke could cost you a body pat down! Which wouldn't have been too bad if he had been tall, dark and handsome, instead she was short, fat and hairy! Well after that delightful experience we were finally allowed up the gangplank.

Did I say wow? The ship was amazing, and huge! Well at least to a cruise virgin she seemed huge. Later I was to find out that the Pacific Sun was only a baby compared to some cruise ships. I am convinced I looked like some sort of country bumpkin on their first trip to the big smoke, every time I moved from one section of the ship to another I found something else that had me picking my jaw up off the floor! I must have climbed up and down stairs and gone in and out of bars, lounges, theatres and the casino at least thirty times in the next couple of hours and I still hadn't found our cabin! I did find the drinks waiters and the buffet a number of times though. That little card thingy, that by this time was hanging around my neck on a pretty piece of cord thanks to the lovely man at guest services, was getting a good workout. It just loved all those cocktails in the pretty coloured P&O souvenir glasses that are now gathering dust on a shelf in my lounge room, but every time I glance at them they bring a smile to my face, ahhh the memories!

I eventually made it to our cabin thanks to a little map, also from the lovely man at guest services. We had an inside quad. Two sets of bunks and a pretend window between, a curtain with a blank wall and shelf behind. We also had a little bathroom, complete with toilet, basin and shower, yes the curtain does attack you every time you turn the shower on! There were cupboards, about enough for my 14 plus 1 pair of shoes, and a tiny fridge. It was kind of like a cubby house for adults. So us four big fish were about to embark on a life changing journey in this cute little sardine can sized cabin!

Next: How Patsy and Eddy bought a race horse!

14 PAIRS OF SHOES + 1

So we're booked to go on a cruise, now the panic sets in. How do we tell the men? Will they even want to go? What do we do if they don't? What do we pack? Do we dress for dinner? What about tipping? The questions just kept coming. 

Back in the olden days, ten or so years ago, there wasn't so much information out there. Where were all those great Facebook groups with all the answers? Even if there were internet sites who knew how to find them back then, not us! If you spoke to a travel agent they had to look up the answers, most of them had never been on a cruise ship. So we had to wing it. 

OK first obstacle, the men, we just won't tell them. Bit difficult you think? Not for a pair of sneaky girls like us 😜. We made it all the way to the wharf before they found out. Not a bad effort considering we had to fly to Sydney, with enough luggage to sink the ship, spend a night and day in the Harbour City, then finally check in at the wharf in Darling Harbour.

How did we achieve this awesome feat you ask? Well the men were under the impression that we had won a trip to stay in a winery in the Hunter Valley and that we were going to spend some time in Sydney taking in a show, Pricilla Queen of the Desert. Great show by the way, highly recommend. We spoke to the hotel concierge and arranged for our luggage to be stored, then transported to the cruise terminal, while we took the men out to brunch (we had a big night after Pricilla) in Darling Harbour the day of the cruise. 

Spent a few memorable hours exploring the harbour and sipping wine at waterside restaurants while admiring a huge boat (yes I know it's not a boat it's a ship, apologies again), the Pacific Sun, docked in the harbour. Yep that's right, we started our cruise addiction with P&O on the Fun Ships! But more about that later. Now we had to get the men to the big boat (apologies again and again). "Hey guys, what do you think about an afternoon cruise on the harbour, sound good?" Well that's how we got them to the cruise terminal, they were totally blown away! 

But let's back up a bit, before we headed up to Sydney for our 10 days in paradise we had to pack the dreaded bags! For anyone who is a cruise virgin this is the most exciting and terrifying of tasks. Exciting because it means you are really doing it, your going on a cruise. Terrifying because you have absolutely no idea what to put in those big empty bags. We've all seen the Love Boat, the women must have taken at least 5 suitcases with them! From 7 swimsuits to 10 evening gowns, everything in between and all the accessories, plus make up and jewellery maybe 5 won't be enough! And what about the men? Suits and dress shirts, long pants and sports shirts, ties and t shirts. What if we forgot something? What about snorkel gear? Do we need towels? It was a nightmare!

I think I packed and unpacked 20 times before we eventually left home, it wasn't made any easier that hubby didn't know our real destination and I had to do it secretly. The shocked look on his face at the amount of luggage we had for a "weekend" was classic! Well we dragged those overstuffed bags full of useless items to the airport, where they got tagged as "Extra Heavy". Then they got dragged all the way from the hotel to the cruise terminal and to our cabin, where the poor cabin steward had to struggle to get them into the cabin. I think they were bigger than him! But you know what was worse? I wasn't satisfied with the 14 pair of shoes I took on a 10 day cruise, I had to buy another pair in Noumea!

Next: 4 Big Fish in a Sardine Can

HOW TO BOOK A CRUISE AND NOT KNOW IT!

You either love it or hate it, there's no in between.

I remember my first cruise. It wasn't my idea, in fact I was never going on one of those big boats! (my humble apologies to all nautical people for calling them boats, but in my defence I was a landlubber back then) What the hell was I going to do in the middle of the ocean? After all cruising was only for honeymooners or old people wasn't it? I was way past one and hadn't reached the other yet. But now I have to stand up in a group and say "My name is Shay and I'm a cruisaholic."

But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, lets back up a couple of years, well a decade at least! I was on a road trip with my girlfriend, on our way back from Adelaide in South Australia travelling home to Bendigo in Victoria, roughly a 650k trip. Anyone who has travelled that road knows how long and hot the Mallee Highway can be, the road seems endless! Well we were somewhere between Tailem Bend and Pinnaroo when my girlfriend started talking about cruising, her and her husband had cruised aboard the old Fairstar. I listened for a bit, but to be honest I sort of zoned out. You know how it is? Whenever there is an expectant silence you say "Uh huh" or "Really?", well it seemed to work for the next 100k or so, she talked nothing but cruisespeak. She was happy and I was bored out of my mind.

But it got worse! She then started reading ads out of the newspaper for upcoming cruises, bloody hell I was almost at screaming stage! Who was this person who had replaced my friend? Maybe some alien being had invaded her body at the last fuel stop. Well now I totally tuned out. Who wanted to listen to someone talking about boats (apologies again) bobbing around the ocean like used wine corks in a dish of water?

That is until her voice finally penetrated my cotton wool brain with the words "All booked, we're going!" Err...what? Going where? When? I nearly flipped, she had booked a cruise for the following June for the 4 of us! What the hell? I was going to be stuck on a boat (apologies again) for 10 day's bored out of my skull! How wrong was I? But it was 5 months of dread mixed with anticipation before I finally found out the truth about cruising.

-Next "Fourteen pairs of shoes plus one".